If I had some tigers I'd train them to protect her*

We went out last night. We went all the way to Boston to see Bill Bailey. He was brilliant but I'm not sure what percentage of the audience understood some of what he was talking about. It was probably quite high though as it seemed to be a convention of English people. I haven't ever seen so many English people gathered together in one place in America before.

* - If you have never heard this before then click here, its bloody hilarious. Even funnier is this version of it by Billy Bragg and Bill Bailey.

There is a town in north Ontario*

Due to a) being knackered on Sunday and b) the wireless in Twin Peaks being shit, there is a lot to catch up on.

Saturday night we went out in Vieux Montreal for the most French meal that I think that I have ever had. We went to a restaurant called Steak Frites. Three guesses what they served? Yes thats right tacos. I had the best onion soup I think I have ever had followed by a superbly cooked steak that just melted in the mouth.

Montreal to Ottawa is a lovely drive. We went the scenic route which involved going on this

The Ottawa River is crossed by a number of these. There is nothing better than using these obscure pieces of transportation. For eight and a half bucks you can get back to that slower time of travel. Whilst waiting in teh queue to get on, some woman can and asked us (in French) whether you paid before or on the boat. In my best French I replied "Je ne sais pas" which is the first time in my life that I have had recourse to use  possibly the only French phrase that I am certain of (its on the boat of you care). We stopped for lunch at Bistro that could have possibly been in France. And who knew that vivande fume meant bacon (a rousing chorus of "We did" ensues).

We stayed in a very non desrcript hotel in Gitenau which whilst in Quebec is really a suburb of Ottawa (which is in Ontario). All very dull and businessy. Yesterday morning, G went to see a customer so I went off to the Canadian War Museum. Exactly what you would expect from such a place - lots of tanks and teh such like. But things that I learnt  - until 1947 Canadians had British passports and that Quebec doesn't really want to be part of Canada.

We then drove to Twin Peaks. Its obviously not called that (but I bet there is somewhere called that in North America), its called Petawawa. We arrived at the hotel (with its shit wireless) in teh middle of a thunderstorm. I have seen some fairly spectacular thunderstorms and this rates up there with them. Not for its ferocity or its length but for its proximity. We were right in the middle of it, which makes for loud thunder more than anything else.

On our way to Petawawa we stopped at Renfrew for lunch. And as its name suggests its all very Scottish. Lots of Glasgow and McAllister and Paisley and Campbell Roads. I would imagine that there is a good Highland games around there and that Burns Night is a bit of a hooley. Renfrew's claim to fame is its swinging bridge

which is a wooden suspension bridge built in the late 19th century by the Kearney family. Only problem wit it is that it wobbles when you are on it. Well played the Kearneys. I can see why the Scots came here - they must just have walked round going (to be read in your best comedy Scots accent) "Ooooh, doesnae just look like hame" because it does. My favourite road name so far is Jocko Beach which was just outside Renfrew.

This morning Giselle went to another appointment (shes not come all this way for the fun off it y'know) and whilst she went to there I went off and had breakfast in a diner. A diner that doubled as the local Greyhound bus stop. There are times when I really feel as though I have walked into the set of a David Lynch film.

* - As a point of information, Petawawa is in south eastern Ontario but the opportunity to use this was too good and who knows if I will ever go to the north of the province.

Colonel Montmerency who was in Calcutta in '92

What a lovely place Montreal is. Sometimes you really have to remind yourself that you are not in Europe, its so, well European. The buildings, the food, (trainspotter alert) they even seem to have purchased their metro system from Paris. What is bizarre is being in a French speak place and spending money with Liz Windsor on it. Off to Ottawa now.....

From the land of the Midnight Sunglasses to the mountains of the moon

Well, I am on holiday again Giselle is visiting more customers and we are in another country. Et lambinez-moi, vraiment parlent français ici. Don't ask me why I had never really considered that they really do speak French in Canada. I knew they did but I didn't think that they didn't speak anything else in Quebec but no, everything is in French. All the road signs, all the people speak it. Its French (Giselle thinks that its France as she just told me that we paid for the room in Euros) Now I am hoping that this means that the food is better than it in America. Other than that I can't tell you much about Canada other than it looks just like America from a motorway But tonight we take Montreal..... 

Arthur Dexter Bradley said "I'm really not sure"

10.00 Well Armageddon approaches. We have just got up and its got a bit windy outside. The rain started about 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon and it doesn't appear to have stopped since. Interesting factiod No 1 about a hurricane - if you are to the left of the eye you get more rain and to the right of it more wind. We are to the right of it.

15.00 Was that it? I have seen worse weather in north London. As that is the third hurricane I have experienced (although one was technically a typhoon. Factoid no 2 for some reason a hurricane is called a typhoon in Asia, dunno why), it comes a very distant last in terms of excitement. Although the Nashua River (outside our window) is due to flood later although it will be going some to get to our window (being five floors up).

18.45 OK, so its not been bad here but not so north of here. The second video here is the bridge that goes into Loon Mountain, just off the Kangamagus Highway - you know where I mean (well at least three of you and one persons dad, reading this do). Just to see how much extra water is flowing down it, here is a photo of it in the same place that I took about this time last year

They jumped into a white car with out of state plates

As you are probably aware, theres a storm a-comin'. We have our torch, food and our water (and a load of beer) ready. I sort of understand why but the east coast of America does seem to be in a Hollywood-like state of panic at the moment. The last time I experienced a real hurricane I was in Havana. The only thing I knew about it was some said to me the day before that there was going to be a thunderstorm. None of this run away stuff. I think that the thing that tells you most about America is that in the list of precautions you need to take is make sure you have a months worth of your prescription drugs....

And if you hear that the state of New Hampshire has declared a state of emergency, don't panic. Apparently all it means is that the state can get federal money to clear up; they won't have declared martial law (I hope).

Oh and who knew there was a place in North Carolina called Nags Head?

I feel the earth move under my feet

The weirdest thing has just happened. We were lounging on the sofa after lunch when all of a sudden my arm started wobbling. It lasted for about 5 seconds. Giselle said to me did the sofa just shake? I thought it was just me having some strange flashback. Turns out it was a 5.9 scale earthquake in Virginia. Very odd.

Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself

I had the nearest thing I have ever had to a religious experience this morning. Nothing more needs to be said.

And we went to Jackson. Can't say there is a lot there (its one of those American towns where they have moved everything from downtown to horrible sprawly strip malls on teh edge of town) but there is a very nice bus station

but thats it. Currently in Nashville - I wonder what the music is like here?

Just a half a mile from the Mississippi bridge

I think I now know what those people who roll up Mount Kaliash or walk backwards to Santiago de Compestela feel like. Memphis. What can I tell you? I find that as I get older, I am less impressed with things, I am disappointed with things, things make me go "Meh" more and more. Not Memphis. I had this dread that Beale Street was going to be like Vegas, all front and no substance. But its not - its real, its authentic, its not disappointing.

We ate at Blues Street Cafe. You know how I like my food and those fancy restaurants  [Have I ever told you about when we ate at the best restaurant in the world (well, it was when we ate there)? I have? More than once?  Oh okay]. I can honestly say that he food that I had tonight was up there with that as some of the best food I have ever eaten. Now you might ask "how can fried chicken strips and catfish and stuffed mushrooms be that good?" It was, it was truly some of the most delicious, succulent, tasty food ever. Superlatives cannot do it justice. And all for less than 35 bucks. We have found that the food in the south is, on the whole, superior to the food elsewhere in America. This was the pinnacle.

And the music, oh the music. I was a tiny, tiny bit disappointed that I came to Memphis and couldn't find any live Delta Blues but the bar we went in did have some excellent Chicago blues with a really good harp player. The thing is though, every one of the bars we walked past had music just as good. Get on a plane now and come to Memphis.

And we still haven't been to Sun Studios yet.....

Lookya yonder. A big black cloud come over*

America really, really surprised me today. We went to Elvis's house in Tupelo, Mississippi this afternoon and do you know what? Its one of the most tasteful, pleasant places I have ever been to. There was nothing gaudy and brash about the whole museum (they also have the church he attended as a child and a chapel and a gift shop) with perhaps the exception of some of the tat in the gift shop - go on, you know you have always wanted a cut out cardboard, life size Elvis in his Army uniform don't you (I resisted the temptation). Yes, there were people in their Elvis shirts, carrying their Elvis bags (which is sort of fair enough today and no, it was just coincidence we went today) but it was all done in a very low key way. Not sure about Graceland though (where we won't be going which I know will disappoint some as I won't be able to do this). And to prove that I am not sitting in my flat in Nashua, lifting photos from the internet - us in front of Elvis's car

Added to that that Tupelo is a really nice little town with art galleries and cafes and guitar shops. They might milk the Elvis connection for every dime they can but can you really blame them, there doesn't seem to be an awful lot else to shout about (and I don't think a Nick Cave song really counts).

*- Factually incorrect - it was beautiful blue skies and sunshine in Tupelo this afternoon.

Your Cadillac has a wheel in the ditch and a wheel on the track

I will say one thing about Alabama - I can't understand a bloody word they say. It really is the epitome of the southern accent. Today I have only been told five time "oh I love y'all accent". Yes it is nice isn't it? Anyway, Birmingham - its a big city where the art gallery closes on a monday. It has a very nice steel works museum

and a very nice park (where we got pan handled by a local wino "tour guide" which was quite amusing)

Lunch was excellent - the barbecued meat in the South is really superb.

Tonight we are in Jasper, AL


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which is small town America personified. We were talking to our waiter when we went out for dinner tonight and he has never been north of the Mason Dixon line (although in fairness to him its not like he has no desire to) and his High School year had 36 people in it. The main claim of fame of Jasper is that it is where Tallulah Bankhead got married although I suppose it has a claim to fame. In addition to the normal cicadas outside tonight, its the first time I have ever heard bullfrogs, its like the proverbial Budweiser advert out there.

When you hear the whistle blowing eight to the bar

Right, who can guess where we are staying tonight? And not only that but we are staying in a hotel which goes by the name of the, ahem,  Chattanooga Choo Choo. Really, did you think that I could have stayed anywhere else whilst in Chattanooga? Anyway if should ever find yourself thinking "where shall I go on holiday?" you could do worse than North Carolina, it is beautiful. The Blue Ridge mountains (yeah, I know, I thought they were in Virginia too) are stunning. And I have changed my mind, my new best road is no longer the Pacific Coast Highway but Route 64 from Hendersonville, NC to Cleveland, TN - look at those twisties.


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We are off to Birmingham, Alabama tomorrow. Anyone care to guess at the song from which tomorrows post will come?

Scent of magnolia sweet and fresh

I know you've missed my bon mots. If you had, I wouldn't have had so many of you imploring me to start again. So after spending what seemed like an interminable two and a half months in England getting our new visas, we are back. So what better time than now to start writing again. And what better time than whilst we are on holiday again (lets get the "but Simon, you are always on holiday" comments out of the way here" Done? Good!)

So where this time? Why, we have come south of the Mason-Dixon line for a week. We arrived yesterday and I have to say, its true, the South is mighty hospitable. We stayed last night in Raleigh, North Carolina (or it might have been Durham, I wasn't really sure which). This morning we drove to Greensboro. And what a lovely little town it is too. It has two of the finest claims to fame for a town that I have ever come across. The first is....

and the second and possible more far reaching and profound is it is where four quite frankly brave gentlemen demanded service at the Woolworth's lunch counter in 1960. They have turned the building into a quite superb museum which should you ever find yourself in this neck of the woods is well worth a couple of hours of your time.

Tonight we are staying in Winston-Salem and also worth a diversion if you are ever in NC is where we went for dinner tonight. Some quite excellent ribs (and I am no great fan of ribs) and pulled pork, hushpuppies and cheerwine. Added to this that lunch today was good and dinner was last night too (yet to try grits though even though they were on the menu at breakfast this morning). Could we have finally found the part of America where all the good food is??

Now heaven would be a DJ spinning dub all night long*

I now really understand the concept of cabin fever. Obviously not The Shining sort of cabin fever but the sort induced by long days of bloody snow. Its still here, I believe that since the beginning of January we have had about 70 inches of it. It does hang around. And all that lovely pristine whiteness becomes dirty black grubbiness the longer it lasts. However in a case of if you can't beat, we decided today to join and went and had a snow boarding lesson.

It was meant to be a skiing lesson but the queue to hire skis was too long and there was no-one at the snow board counter, so snow boards it was. We went here which is about an hours drive away. They do a very reasonable one hours lesson, equipment hire and days pass for $85. And what fun! Apparently I am quite good (in an old bloke who has never done it before sort of way). Quite good here is defined as not falling on my arse at my first attempt and being able to steer it after a couple of goes. I even attempt the large beginners hill which was a) longer and b) steeper from the top than it looked from the bottom, I fell over three times on that. Giselle wasn't quite as successful but not for want of trying. Apparently it turns out she may be goofy.

Sadly for you all (or not as the case maybe) there is no photographic evidence of this, but take it from me, it was radical dude.

* - I know its about skateboarding but......

Soft as velvet eyes can see bring me close to ecstasy

The weirdness of this country never ceases to amaze me. As I am sure you are all aware today is Valentines day. Fair enough, send your anonymous cards and flowers and chocolates to the object of you desires if you must. But here they treat it like its a holiday like Christmas. Giselle has received emails from her customers with Happy Valentines Day greetings on them. The Management Office of our apartment building have given everyone Valentines presents (a bag of gourmet popcorn). I will no doubt be wished a happy Valentines day in the supermarket later. I find it all a bit disconcerting, its not my bloody birthday so I do not want to wished a 'happy day'. I think they miss what its about myself (or maybe not as people always maintain its a made up excuse for greeting card companies to make money....).

Anyway, happy St Cyril and St Methodius's day.

The dust of the world is my load

We are now home - nightmare overnight flight but not as bad as it could have been.

Things I have learned about America -

• I know now the way to San Jose
• The rest of America doesn't like California
• The rest of California doesn't like LA
• Arizona is beautiful and I want to go back
• Vegas isn't seedy and anything like Casino and a bit scary in a la-la land sort of way
• America is a very, very big place
• I want a Dodge Charger

Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire

We were having such a nice day until 3 o'clock........

We drove through more desert this morning and ended up at the Hoover Dam. I shan't bother showing you a picture of it as they don't really do it justice. However make do with a picture of one of the pair of lovely Art Deco statues

and the "we haven't got room to put this pylon in straight up so lets do it at an angle" pylon - this one is especially for you lovers of a good bit of civil engineering - I know you are reading this (no really, they are)

It was then on to probably the least visited of all of Vegas' attractions - the Clark County Museum in Henderson (on the outskirts of Vegas). Its perhaps two of the best bucks that you will ever spend in Vegas. 

Then on to Vegas. What can I say about Vegas? Two words spring to mind - Sodom and Gomorrah. Its, urm, well, mental. It makes Atlantic City look like Nashua. We are staying in the Mirage on the Strip which has its own Volcano which goes off on the hour every hour and they beat the Bellagio's fountains into a cocked hat. I think my main problem with the city (or the Strip I suppose to be more accurate) is the noise. Everywhere you walk there is music, interminable music which wouldn't be too bad if it was the same music everywhere but no, you start with U2 then 50 yards later its Phil Collins then its Duran Duran. Just stop the noise. And the neon, the neon. I am a great lover of twinkly things but there is just too much of it and its all too random. My eyes hurt.

Gambling is fun, if a very easy way to lose your money. We only actually spent $45 and then got bored of that. (UPDATE I won most of that back after playing $2 I found in my pocket on a fruit machine when I went out for a fag before breakfast - leaving Vegas even). I actually made more money from watching a blokes machine while he went and got more cash from the cash machine. He gave me $5 for doing it, I did try and tell him that he was well, giving his money away for nothing but how do you tell someone that who is pumping dollars into a computer with random pixels coming up when you press the buttons. Maybe there is a career to be had from keeping peoples seats in casinos?

I am only disappointed that I haven't managed to win enough money to buy Tony Soprano's vest and pants from the memorabilia shop in the hotel.

The sunsets were purple and red and yellow and on fire

We stayed in Kingman last night and tonight. And Kingman is only 70 miles from that skywalk thingy over the Grand Canyon. So of course we decided not go there. No we decided on the much more exciting destination of Lake Havasu City. First we went to that place everyone should go when in Kingman - the Route 66 museum. Its actually a really good little museum with an excellent shop. If you ever find yourself with time on your hands in Kingman, you could do worse than spend 20 minutes in there. Then it was off over another bit of Route 66.

As stunning as it is, you can see why they built the Interstate system. This bit went from Kingman west to Oatman and then to Golden Shores. Its another fantastic drive over a mountain pass but it wouldn't be the best way to get trucks and people over the hills, much easier to go around it like the modern I40 does.

Oatman is funny. Apparently its where Clark Gable and Carol Lombard spent their honeymoon, a bit of an odd place to do that if you were him if you ask me but there you go. Its a proper old mining town which even though now earns its crust as a tourist attraction its not as twee as Calico, even if they do have a gun fight four times a day (and wild burros). 

So why you ask, did you forsake the, well grandeur, of the Grand Canyon for Lake Havasu City? Because Lake Havasu City is the final resting place of London Bridge (the old one obviously).

I'm not convinced that its all there as it looks a bit short to me. The area around the bridge is like a London theme park (now there is a weird concept). Lake Havasu City is a bit of weird place in general - it was actually founded after Giselle was born. It makes Kingman (founded 1880ish) look like Phoenicia.

Oh and that girl was right - the sunsets are beautiful in Arizona.

Kingman, Barstow, San Bernardino

For those of you who have no idea what the post title is all about watch/listen to this (done by the man who wrote it - if you have never heard him do it, its not what you'll be expecting).



We have done it backwards ("If you ever plan to motor east....") starting in San Bernardino where we stayed last night.

Then on to Barstow, where we visited the Calico Ghost Town - a bit too restored for me, I was expecting tumble weed and broken down shacks but its all a bit shiny and been turned into and a shopportunity.

I have felt a bit like Robert Mitchum all day, driving over the High Desert. It is mile after mile of mountain and desert (I think that we have driven 300 miles since we were last without mountain). Those frontier pioneers must have been hoping that the sea was just over the next mountain. I wonder how many went mad out there waiting for the sea? I can see why they replaced Route 66 with an Interstate, it must have been tedious driving along this....

There was a big high wall there that tried to stop me

I think Woody Guthrie actually came to modern LA. I have never seem so may signs that say "No" to so many things. As you drive into Griffith Park (where the above was taken) there is a huge board that has a list of Nos on it. There must be a dozen of them. I was always under the impression that California was liberal. Good PR obviously.

Oh and LA gets 35 days a year rainfall. Guess what it was doing today? I think its safe to say that its not the place that either of us have ever been to that we would say is our favourite.